Family Builders

The holidays are a time for giving. It’s no surprise that nonprofits see an increase in donations during the month of December. Whether you’re giving a donation in someone’s name as a gift, giving in memory of someone, or just supporting a nonprofit, those of us in the nonprofit world appreciate it.

Earlier this year, Family Builders held our annual fundraising luncheon. This year, we called it “The Gift of Hope.” The reason is because we really believe that when you donate to Family Builders, you’re helping to give that gift of hope to someone else.

The writer Robert Brault is quoted as saying, “You find hope the same way you find happiness. You give it to someone else and borrow a little of it back.”

That’s what we’re all about!

In our organization, we have to deal with the ugly realities of abuse in our community. But what really gets us out of bed in the morning is the power that comes from that gift of hope.

If you’re like many others, you have some vague sense of hope’s importance. But the families we serve know that its true value is realized when you lose it.

Our organization’s purpose is to restore that hope! We work to end child abuse and domestic violence in our communities through proven programs that educate, prepare, and restore Oklahomans and their families.

A broken family is one that has lost hope. We see it every day! But we work to build healthy, loving families so that hope can be restored.

If you choose to donate to Family Builders this holiday season, we would obviously appreciate it. But even if you don’t, we hope that you will share with others what you know about our organization.

And if you haven’t joined us yet at a Discover Family Builders tour, we would love to have you. That lunch hour is probably the most efficient way to get an overview of what we do and how we give that gift of hope. Please contact us and we can get you more information about an upcoming tour.

Bringing family together during the holidays can be full of joy, but often, it brings a large amount of stress. Media outlets portray the holidays as a time where everything flows together in magical moments with lots of laughter and hugs.

Such images warm the heart, but they also lead to high expectations. And unmet expectations can lead to stress, disappointment, and even anger.

Financial burdens can weigh heavy on any family, but during the holidays, the weight can be exponentially heavier. The holidays can be an opportunity to practice the art of letting go. Easier said that done, of course.

Try making a list of what is most important to you and your family and then decide what you can let go. One good approach is to ask yourself what could be gained and what would steal joy from your holiday experience. It helps provide perspective on the big picture.

What does the holiday season essentially stand for? Perhaps, togetherness. So ask yourself, what would bring your family together in a peaceful manner within your budget? It’s a great time to get creative and have some fun.

Maybe hitting the local ice skating rink and getting a slice of pizza from your favorite local place would be a fun new experience. Sure, that may not be typically what you do on the holiday, but the idea is to let go of expectations and to be together without discontent. Maybe your creative ideas will bring about new family traditions that reduce stress and frustration.

It’s also vital to practice self care during the holidays. For most people self care is the last thing on the to-do list, if it makes the list at all. However, you can not drive a car without gas. It’s so important to take time for yourself. I’m not talking a vacation to Florida, just setting some time aside to regroup.

It may mean a warm bath, sitting alone for few minutes to read some encouraging quotes, or there are plenty of helpful breathing techniques available online to reduce stress. Taking some time for yourself is like putting your oxygen mask on first. When you take care of yourself, you are able to handle stress more effectively.

As the holiday season approaches, take time to look at your expected outcomes, makes lists, get creative, and find time to care for yourself.

October is domestic violence awareness month, which has been designated to bring additional awareness to the issue of domestic violence and how it affects families and communities.

The following statistics from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence highlight the scope of the issue:

• On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the U.S.
• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience some form of intimate partner violence or stalking in their lifetime.
• On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.
• 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year. Of these children, 90% are eyewitnesses to this violence.

Abusers come in many forms, and they can easily pass as everyday people. Domestic violence also comes in many forms: emotional, physical, sexual, economic, and psychological. Common signs of an abusive relationship can be:

• Preventing contact with family and friends
• Controlling what a partner wears
• Destroying property and making threats
• Blaming the survivor with mind games and other tactics
• Criticizing the survivor’s appearance or behavior
• Shoving, hitting, strangulation, and any forced sexual act

Domestic violence affects the whole family, as well as generations to come. Our goal is to not only help people recognize the signs of abuse, but also to help empower families with the skills they need to break the cycle of abuse.

One of the key programs we offer at Family Builders is the Batterers Intervention Program. In this 52-week group program certified by the Attorney General, participants discuss topics including personal responsibility, the effect of violence on others, beliefs that promote domestic violence, and tools for healthy relationships. It is a truly transformative program for many of the participants.

When people think of domestic violence, most probably think of the man as the abuser and woman as the victim, since women are the more likely victims of domestic violence. However, women can also be abusers, so our Batterers Intervention Program offers separate group sessions for men and women.

Most of the people who enter our program grew up in an abusive environment, and it’s the only way they know to act. Our program seeks to help people understand a different way in order to break the cycle of abuse. For some clients, their ultimate goal is to be reunited with their family, while other clients may not have that opportunity. Our goal for each client in the program is to help them take ownership of their actions and make a positive change for the future. In doing so, we can change the statistics about domestic violence and change lives for the better.

We also recently began a partnership with Palomar, a family justice center, to offer parenting classes to their clients, which helps advance our goal of preventing domestic violence and child abuse.

Nobody wants to see a family torn apart for any reason, including abuse. But restoring the family is by no means a quick process. In fact, it is usually a long process. But that’s fitting, because usually the problems have been going on for a long time.

Many of our clients come referred to us by DHS. We’re part of an overall treatment plan for those families, providing just some of the tools they can use for restoration.

Many of the parents have been beaten down and hopeless for a while. They grew up in a household with abuse, and despite their best intentions ended up repeating the cycle. They lost hope of ending that cycle long ago.

For those parents, we restore their hope. We show them that they can change. It is possible for them to be a good parent, get their kids back, and have their family together again.

Similarly, the children have lost hope as well. They got to the point where they couldn’t rely on their parents to care for them. And often it had been going on for years!

We play a part in restoring that trust in their parents, which in turn restores the children’s hope. Their parents do have the ability to care for them. They don’t have to rely on a state agency or foster care, they can rely on their own parents.

We love hearing stories from families we've helped, because they really demonstrate cases where parents wanted to change, and we helped equip them with the tools and resources they needed. And that helped to restore those families that had been torn apart.

You probably don’t want to think about kids getting hit by a car when they cross the street, right? That’s why we educate them on how to cross the street safely. You equip them with the tools they need to know what to do.

Shouldn’t we be educating the community on how to keep our kids safe in regards to abuse as well?

At Family Builders, all of our programs are about education. But we have three that really focus on educating the community that we offer at no charge to just about any group.

The first program is primarily for the parents of children, and that’s our More Than Stranger Danger program. 90% of sexual abuse is perpetrated on children by someone they know and trust. We educate parents and guardians on the signs to look for, which includes things like:

• An adult that wants to spend more time alone with kids than they do with adults.
• An adult that singles out one particular child and primarily shows attention to that child.
• An adult that frequently offers to help with children to gain alone time with them.

People worry about the random stranger at the park, but that type of abuse is really rare. It could happen, but it’s much more likely to be someone the child knows and trusts.

The second program is primarily for teachers and care providers, and that’s our Recognizing and Reporting Child Abuse program.

People would be amazed how many teachers and day care providers don’t know the signs to look for in regards to abuse happening, much less what to do after they see the signs! We go into schools, churches, and day care centers to teach them what to look for and what to do when they see the signs.

The third program is directed toward children, and that’s our Kids on the Block program. We use puppets to teach children about bullying and abuse. We teach them what to do when they are bullied and abused, and how to keep telling adults until someone believes them.

Family Builders offers all three of these programs free of charge. To learn more or schedule a training session, call us or education@familybuildersok.org.

If there were a terrible, debilitating, and potentially fatal disease that affected one in four children in our community, wouldn't we all be clamoring for a cure?

Every day in Oklahoma, 41 children are confirmed as victims of abuse. This abuse, whether physical, mental, or sexual, can stifle a child's potential and lead to a wide range of social problems and lifelong health issues. As tragic stories of abuse continue to shock our communities, it has caused Family Builders to ask the question: What if we all looked at child abuse like a true epidemic, like a cancer, that ravages its victims and eats away at the health of the whole community?

How do we fight an epidemic or disease? We talk about it. We see it on television, in social media, and we wear different colored ribbons to signify our support of efforts to eradicate the disease. We remove the stigma surrounding the disease.

Unfortunately, we don't do that with child abuse. Why? I believe it's because child abuse is something so horrific that we don't want to admit it happens in our neighborhood, church, school, etc. But it does. One in four children will be abused before their 18^th birthday.

This is everyone's problem, and we all need to have the courage to protect the children we love.

Do you have the courage?

Family Builders can equip you with the tools and knowledge you need to recognize abuse and report it. Our Recognizing and Reporting Child Abuse and More than Stranger Danger trainings teach adults how to keep the children in their lives safe. In fact, for every adult who attends one of these workshops, 10 children are made safer.

Won't you help fight this epidemic that is ravaging our children? Call us or email education@familybuildersok.org to schedule a training for your school or organization.

There are plenty of news stories circulating around the Internet and television about child abuse today. We feel pain and compassion for the victim and anger at the abuser, but all too often we go on thinking that this could never happen in my community, or to my child.

The harsh reality is that it could happen to anyone at any time.

Identifying sexual abusers

Sexual abusers look and act just like everyone else. Statistically speaking, there are people that you and your family know (possibly someone at church, your child’s school or daycare, or a regular at the park) who is a child abuser.

After all, 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls will be sexually abused by the age of 18. About 90% of children who are sexually abused already know their abuser. And the younger the child, the more likely it is that an abuser will be a family member.

Be on guard for grooming behaviors

Abusers usually “groom” victims, families, and communities before the sexual abuse takes place. This builds trust and allows the abuser to hide in plain sight.

Common grooming behaviors include: finding reasons to spend time alone with a child; giving special, unique attention to one child out of a group; treating a child as older than they really are, and gradually becoming more intimate with physical contact.

Ways you can protect your child

• Explain to your children that their bodies are their own. Nobody should touch their private parts (make sure they know the correct names!) unless it’s a safe adult helping them to be clean and healthy. Give them a list of situations that fit that criteria, like applying medicine, diaper changes, and helping with the toilet.
• Monitor who spends time around your children. If an adult consistently only wants to spend time with children, that’s a red flag. Ensure that your child’s school and daycare have up-to-date trainings and background checks, and a policy against adults spending time alone with children.
• Listen to what your child has to say. If they feel uncomfortable around a person, they don’t have to be around that person. If you feel uncomfortable around a person or in a situation, you are free to take your child away. Trust your intuition.

If you have questions about how you can prevent sexual abuse, give our office a call at (405) 232-8226 or email Desiree Melkovitz at dpowell@familybuildersok.org. We have trainings for parents and teachers to help them protect the children they care about.

We are excited to announce Patrick Evans as our new Director of Mission Advancement! His experience in development and his passion for our mission will help us further our work with Oklahoma families.

Patrick has consistently been driven to serve his community. When he started college at Oklahoma State University, he worked in an assisted living facility and waited tables. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do when he entered college, but these jobs allowed him to pay for school.

He moved up the ranks to executive director at the assisted living facility, but realized after a year or two that it wasn’t what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

He struggled to balance the boundary between business and personal life while he worked at the assisted living facility, because the people who needed to be there the most couldn’t afford it.

Ultimately, he transferred to Southern Nazarene University to complete his degree in Gerontology and Family studies (but not before marrying his wife, whom he met through the restaurant he worked at!)

While he never saw himself in sales long-term, Patrick worked in sales for a few years after graduating, since he’s always loved talking with people.

When his wife started working at a nonprofit, that sparked Patrick’s interest as well. Patrick joined the team at World Neighbors and felt very fortunate to do so. He was able to directly help farmers in Asia, Africa, and Latin America by procuring funding to find long-term solutions for hunger, poverty, and disease.

Patrick later moved on to work in development at the Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma, and later at the National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum. Patrick is joining us as our Director of Mission Advancement, and he’s shared with us that this is a mission that’s very close to his heart.

Patrick’s parents were both nurses, and he learned how to care about people through them. But like a lot of families, Patrick’s family wrestled with how to overcome a violent, challenging past.

His father’s father was violent physically and emotionally, and ultimately his grandmother left because of this. While Patrick’s father didn’t want to be like his own father, it can be difficult to unlearn the patterns you’ve learned as a child. Most evenings at Patricks house were very loud, and his older sister and his mother took the brunt of his father’s anger.

But Patrick’s dad didn’t want to be that kind of person, and his mom had a lot of strength to keep going. They both wanted to get help for their family, so they started going to counseling and support groups-similar to what we do here at Family Builders. Patrick is proud to say that this made an enormous, positive difference in his family growing up.

He considers this living proof that the cycle of violence can end. Patrick and his wife, Tina, strive to be great parents to Abigail, age 10, and Cooper, age 7. He’s proud that Abigail understands that sometimes parents need help being better parents, and she can explain this to her little brother.

Patrick is excited to get the word out about Family Builders to even more people who can help us further our mission. He’s passionate about helping to end the cycle of child abuse and family violence, and we are happy to have him join us in that mission!

Welcome on board, Patrick!

Netflix has released, yet again, a smashing, binge-worthy TV show-one that you’ve likely heard about and your children likely want to watch.

But, before you hit play on “13 Reasons Why,” we want you to know what to expect, and how you can best prepare yourself to have conversations with the children and adults in your lives about the situations that are played out in this TV show. So yes-there are a few spoilers coming up, but they’re important for you to know about as a parent.

What you can expect in the show

“13 Reasons Why” portrays a girl who leaves behind a set of tapes in which she explains the thirteen reasons why she committed suicide. She asks that the individuals mentioned in the tapes listen to them completely and then pass them on to the next person.

There are very serious themes discussed in this series and many of the portrayals are extremely graphic and contain triggering imagery. Some of the themes include:

• Suicide
• Self-injury
• Bullying
• Gun violence
• Child abuse
• Domestic violence
• Rape

In the final episode, the main character goes to her school counselor because she wants to give life “one more chance.” She confides in him that she wants life to be over, and that she was sexually assaulted at a party.

But, her counselor never questions her intentions and instead instructs her that unless she is willing to name her perpetrator, it’s best if she just “moves on.” Distractedly, he takes a phone call as the student leaves the office; she’s praying that he will follow her, reach out to her. But he does not. She then goes home and kills herself.

Family Builders is passionate about seeing the children of Oklahoma grow in environments where their physical and emotional safety is being tended to, and we’re committed to that goal.

Because of that, we’ve compiled a list of thirteen things you can do to help prevent these tragedies. How many of these preventative measures can you take in your community?

1. Talk to your children-start early and do it frequently. You never want to be the last to know that they are struggling with something.

2. Begin educating your children at an early age that their body is their own, and that only they can determine what happens to it.

3. Implement family dinners so that your children know that there is dedicated time every night to communicate anything they may be going through.

4. Be present when interacting with children. Work on turning off phones and televisions when your children are speaking with you; this validates that what they are saying is important to you.

5. Work with your children on finding positive stress relievers such as physical activity, reading, or volunteering within their community.

6. Lead by example for your children to demonstrate the importance of “screen-free time” and interacting with those people who are physically present.

7. Talk to your children about sexual consent and the realities of “sexting.” Here are some links to help you get started:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/what-consent/
https://nobullying.com/consequences-of-sexting/

8. Educate your children about cyber bullying, and emphasize the importance of speaking up when they witness online bullying. This is a helpful resource:

https://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/what-is-it/

9. Be involved with your children’s schools-know their policies and advocate for specialized training for the staff to help identify and prevent harmful situations.

10. Schedule a Recognizing and Reporting Child Abuse training. This is a free training from Family Builders designed to educate teachers on the signs of child abuse and how to intervene and report the abuse in a way that keeps the children safe.

11. Schedule a More than Stranger Danger training. This is a Family Builders program for parents that walks them through the process of creating safe boundaries and offers practical tips on protecting children from sexual abuse.

12. Schedule a Kids on the Block presentation. Kids on the Block is an interactive puppet program for elementary-aged children that deals with topics such as bullying and child abuse in a kid-friendly manner.

13. Educate your children about the resources that are available to them in the event that they experience emotions or situations that they cannot process on their own. These resources can start with yourself and include school counselors, mental health professionals and other trained and trusted adults.

To schedule a free training with your group contact Desiree Melkovitz at 405-232-8226 or DPowell@familybuildersok.org.

And if you ever suspect that a child you know is experiencing abuse, contact the Department of Human Services Child Abuse hotline at 1-800-522-3511.

Other useful hotlines:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255.
Domestic Violence hotline: 405-917-9922
Sexual Assault hotline: 405-943-7273

Of course, if you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911!

There’s a lot you can do to protect Oklahoma children and prevent tragedies like the fictional one in “13 Reasons Why.” Let us know how we can help you do your part!

One in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before their eighteenth birthday.

April is Child Abuse Prevention Awareness month. At Family Builders, we work to stop child abuse in Oklahoma every month of the year-and this is a great time to share ways that you can help end child abuse.

By learning how to identify the signs of abuse, you can be a voice for vulnerable children in your life.

Training for school personnel

Erin's law, enacted in 2015 in Oklahoma, requires all public schools to provide training for teachers that includes:

• How to recognize the child abuse, neglect and child sexual abuse
• Proper reporting of suspect abuse

At Family Builders, we have been providing training that fits the Erin’s Law requirements for school personnel, parents and other child service professionals for four years.

We are proud to offer our “Recognizing and Reporting Child Abuse” training free to area schools. If you’re concerned that your school, church, or daycare staff aren’t adequately trained, let’s talk about how we can remedy the situation.

Stranger Danger is NOT enough

Most often, children are abused by someone they know, love and trust. Ninety percent (90%) of sexually abused children know and trust their abuser and only ten percent (10%) of them will ever tell about their abuse. The Jerry Sandusky case is a prime example.

It’s critical that parents know and understand how predators groom a family, school, or church to gain access to children. Schools, churches, daycares, etc. need to know how to protect the children in their care.

Family Builders has a training called “More than Stranger Danger” designed to teach parents how to protect their children.

Every adult is a mandated reporter (yes, even you!)

In the state of Oklahoma, anyone over the age of eighteen who suspects child abuse is required to report it either to DHS or law enforcement. But do you know what to look for?

You don’t have to investigate and be certain that abuse is occurring before you make a report. In fact, you shouldn’t even try to investigate because you could make matters worse. But if you suspect abuse, you can make a difference in the life of that child by reporting it to the DHS child abuse hotline any day, any time at 1-800-522-3511.

Want to schedule a training for your school, church, or your parent group? Get in touch with us, and we’ll make it happen. Call or email Desiree at our office, 405-232-8226 or dpowell@familybuildersok.org for more information.